Million Dollar Days

Creating Lasting Change: Habits, Identity, and Accountability

• Robby Choucair and George Passas • Season 1 • Episode 51

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In this compelling episode, Robby is joined by Fabien, a trauma specialist who opens up about his life’s transformative journey from unresolved trauma to purposeful healing. They discuss the dark period in Fabien’s life, including a looming prison sentence and a failing business, and how he used that adversity to create a career focused on helping others navigate trauma. This episode touches on personal growth, the real-life implications of unresolved past issues, and the importance of finding balance in relationships, fatherhood, and business. Fabien shares his philosophy: "Your mess becomes your message," providing inspiration for those struggling with their own challenges.

Listeners will gain fresh insights into the human nervous system's critical role in personal development. We challenge traditional coaching models and explore the profound impact of emotions on our experiences. Discover how unconscious patterns, such as childhood stress responses, influence adult relationships and reactions. The episode shines a light on the importance of understanding these dynamics to foster healthier relationships and a more authentic life. Fabien's perspective encourages listeners to embrace their feelings and recognize deep-rooted patterns that may otherwise go unnoticed.

This episode is for anyone who has faced adversity, struggles with feelings of being stuck, or is on a journey toward healing and self-discovery. Robby and Fabien offer insights on how to embrace difficult times and use them as catalysts for personal and professional transformation.

Robby:

Welcome back to another episode of Million Dollar Days. Now, for the first time, guys, we are joined by a special guest, but also we are missing one of the hosts, so George will not be with us today, but I am joined by a gentleman who has been following his story for quite some time I think we just confirmed it was around 2016, 2017, and I've been following you on Instagram and I've known him online for about seven years and we met for the first time today. Fabian, welcome to the show.

Fabien:

Thanks, brother. It's crazy, isn't it? It's like online dating, but we finally, you know? Yeah, it's like, oh, he is real.

Robby:

He is the person that he says he is. He is real. He is real. Yeah, he is the person that he says he is. For those who haven't had a chance to, I guess haven't come across any of your content or anything, do you want to give us a little bit of an intro about a little bit about yourself, and then we'll sort of take the conversation from there?

Fabien:

Sure man, cool. Well, yeah, I'm honored to be here, man, as we were just saying before, offline it was like haven't met before, and then we're meeting for the first time straight on a podcast Straight into it.

Robby:

No better way to do it. It's recorded now.

Fabien:

Yeah, um, cool. Well, yeah, uh, you know what am I? 39 year old, father of three, uh, married, you know, 10 years now, and I work in the space of unresolved trauma. That's kind of my jam. I'm known as the trauma guy, if you will, helping people in relationships that have got, you know, either recognising toxic patterns, recognising that stuff from their past is surfacing in the present and they're either trying to find a way through, or they've just come to the awareness that there's some stuff that they need to work through, but they just don't know how or where to start. And so, um, I haven't always been this. Yeah, probably unpack a little bit of that, but that's, um, that's what we do, you know, born in melbourne, uh and uh, and this is the space that I find myself in now that grew up in melbourne as well yeah, yeah, nice, yeah yeah and so how do you get into something like that?

Robby:

hmm.

Fabien:

I think, uh, it's a really good question actually, because in I mean, you know the coaching space right, it's like there's one of two places people come from. One is unconscious, I reckon, ie that we become the coach that we need most. So some people in the coaching industry are operating from a place where they've got they actually need that help that they're offering themselves.

Robby:

So almost like they're doing it for themselves and they end up forming into this being. That then goes on, yeah.

Fabien:

Which is why the coaching industry is riddled with. Every industry is riddled with it, but coaching industry in particular is riddled with people that haven't necessarily been able to create the results that they're claiming that they can create for others. They're still working through it.

Robby:

Yeah, I also think that in itself as well. Two things One it's not like you never clocked this shit, like you never. That's it, you're done, you're perfect. Do you know what I mean? Two, but also, there's no barrier to entry. Do you know what I mean? Like there's no, I can go, you see, you know 19 year old kid straight out of school claiming to be a coach, and you're like what experience do you have, dude? Yeah, I mean, I think that's a part of the problem that's true, that's true it's interesting, because I'm conflicted with that.

Fabien:

The reason being is that a 19 year old kid is an example if he solved a particular problem in his life that's experience.

Fabien:

that's experience, that's experience Now, can he then be a coach? Well, yes, but the I think a coach's ability is whether they can help somebody else actually move through that as well. Because when I was a leader as a salesperson, I was the number one sales performer at an office at a real estate office, and that was a previous career. And then I became a sales manager former at an office at a real estate office and that was a previous career. And then I became a sales manager. That was a fucking different beast. I was trying to lead people the way that I would push myself, and it didn't go down well I remember different characters, different characters.

Fabien:

I'm pulling a team meeting and no one rocked up because they're like fuck this guy. And I was like to my boss, I'm like oh, what management courses should I take? Because I was like you know, I didn't know. Um, but kind of coming back to how I got into this space, um, there's something that I got told once, which was you know, your mess becomes your message and I had.

Robby:

Your mess becomes your mess becomes your message. Yeah okay, cool, I like that pain into purpose kind of.

Fabien:

You know, know that whole notion yeah awesome.

Fabien:

So from my perspective, I was looking for answers. But I had stuff that was unresolved and I kind of knew it, given some of my upbringing and stuff that I'd went through. But it didn't really rear its head until I became a father. And that's when, like 2019, was really when my life began to kind of fall apart the dark night of the soul. And I'd done coaching previously as an NLP practitioner, master certified, and all that kind of jazz. But I was going around quote unquote, fixing others and there was some stuff that I actually hadn't addressed. So I was operating but my business wasn't really going anywhere because I was kind of getting in the way and that's what led me into this trauma work. Because I'd recognized shit. I've got some stuff way down in the way and that's what led me into this trauma work. Because I'd recognize shit. I've got some stuff way down in the closet that I haven't been able to process or deal with. I've got no fucking idea.

Fabien:

And 2019 I was. I kind of had no choice. You know, I was just a kid on the way. I already had a one-year-old, another baby on the way, so our one-year-old just turned one wife was pregnant with our second child. I was looking at a jail sentence of potentially five years. You were, yeah, got into a fight and guy was drunk. Uh, wasn't, wasn't our fault initially, but I won't go into all the detail of it, but he got drunk, he threw some punches, he missed, defended ourselves and then he ended up on the ground, unconscious, cracked skull, induced coma, two, three weeks and we didn't know if this guy was going to wake up. So I got a business, we've just renovated a house.

Fabien:

I've got all this unresolved stuff from my childhood surfacing because I didn't know how to shop and be a dad. I didn't really know how to show up and be a dad. I didn't really know how to be a present husband. All of this like, what do I do here? And then this you know court case. And then I'd had priors from earlier years as well, from you know, just being a stupid 17-year-old and I was like shit.

Fabien:

I was sitting at the crossroads of like all the money going into this court case, no money left, business failing, life crumbling, and then it's like shit, I actually may have to go to jail and my wife will be raising two kids. I won't see my second child born and she'll be raising two children and I'll be in prison, potentially for five years or more. So I was like, wow, that was kind of like this you know what am I going to do? How do I get out of this? And that's when I reached out for help in a business community. Actually, I was still not looking for personal help, I was looking for business help.

Fabien:

I'm like, well, if I can get the business, yeah you're like, if I just get some money in this should solve most of these problems and that's when I that's when I learned a beautiful thing that I got taught, which is, you know, we don't have we usually don't have business problems. We've got personal problems that manifest in our business and, uh, and that's when I learned about this whole notion of nervous system regulation and that we all relate to the world through our nervous system. And that's going back to the point of the mess becoming the message. That was the point of like, oh, wow, okay, time to go deep and look at really what's driving all of this.

Fabien:

You know all of my behaviour, all of the chaos, all of the carnage and work through my stuff intensely for like three years, throughout COVID, throughout COVID. Yeah, yeah, it went hard. Fortunately didn't go to prison, fortunately the court saw you know there was evidence in my favour and, yeah, just went down the rabbit hole of you know there was evidence in my favor and, yeah, we just went down the rabbit hole of you know real personal deep transformation and healing and came out and then almost jumped straight back into okay now I've got to give this to the world.

Robby:

But isn't that what everyone does, right? Like you go learn something. You're like oh my God, this is amazing. I have to show everyone Exactly. You guys should all come join my cult. And everyone's like whoa you're being weird, man yeah, man yeah.

Fabien:

Yeah, and funnily enough, I did that. And then I came out and I'd realized ooh, I this, you know, just because I've gone through it, am I ready to guide others through it yet? And I wasn't, and so I'd started it and then I just retreated and I'm like man, I'm not ready to lead other people yet in this, because taking on other people's stuff whilst navigating your own through COVID and, mind you, we had another kid, 12,. My wife was pregnant again 12 months later after our second child, so we had three kids under the age of three kids under the age of three.

Fabien:

Ultimately, my child, my first child, turned three and we're pregnant with our third. So I like wow you know, no tv during covid.

Fabien:

Yeah, um, but yeah, man, that's. That's kind of what happened. So the mess eventually became the message, and I slowly recognized that if I'm going to work in this space, I not only have to keep working through my things, but I've also got to create uh, create support mechanisms to enable me to still show up as a father, as a husband, as a leader for my family, whilst then being able to guide other people through it as well. So it's not just about having the flashlight to take somebody through a dark tunnel, it's about having the resources when things don't go to plan. You know you need more than a flashlight.

Robby:

Yeah, it runs out of batteries. You step in a puddle. Yeah, you get hung. You fall over.

Fabien:

Yeah man?

Robby:

Yeah, let's touch on that man. So the nervous system, did you say Mm-hmm? Tell me a bit about it, because I would say I've done. I'm not. I'd like to think I'm well versed in this space in the sense of I've done coaching programs, I've done like a lot of Tony Robbins stuff and you know NLP, a lot around coaching and influence and things like that right.

Robby:

As well as understanding, you know human behavior and why we do what we do, and you know the model of the world and the way we see it and what is it that drives us, and things like that. So when you say everyone sees the world or takes the world in through their own nervous system, yep, let's go deep. All right, let's go.

Fabien:

Man, I need a whiteboard, let's go, yeah, so I think we all well, those that are listening to this podcast yeah, we're all probably very similar. Everyone's looking for growth, for tactics, for tools, for strategies, for performance, right to break through something, to acquire more information, and, similar to yourself, I think, we all get introduced to personal development through the Tony Robbins or the Brian Tracys or the psychology of stuff, and for a long time, what we all understood, and what many people still think is the answer, is that, you know, thinking creates feeling, and what I discovered was that it's actually not that, it's actually feeling that influences thinking. So what I mean by that is that most of us, including myself, when I was doing NLP and personal development all the programs read all the books, hundreds of books. I was trying to think my way out of a feeling problem, which is why I became aware of some of my stuff, like you probably did. As you went on this journey, you start to go oh shit, this thing in my childhood.

Fabien:

Oh shit that and oh fuck man, this insecurity here and you know. But then if you're anything like me which I think you are, man it's like you know, we immerse more of ourselves to go well, I've got to be better, I've got to get better. And a lot of us are trying to outrun a feeling problem by thinking, by logistically working stuff out in our head, and so this whole notion of nervous system and what that does is like there's a great book by Dr Bessel van der can't pronounce his name, but it's called the Body Keeps the Score.

Robby:

Oh yes, I've got that book.

Fabien:

I haven't read it, yeah powerful, powerful book and it just talks about how, when we experience things growing up you know, parents fighting, getting yelled at, getting lost, being bullied, being teased, whatever when we experience a situation that is a little bit too overbearing or we can't make sense of it, we can't defend ourselves properly, then we've all got this beautiful system within us that actually comes in to support us through that moment and that's called the nervous system. So a lot of psychology talks about the amygdala the brain you know the crocodile brain.

Fabien:

So for people listening the amygdala, yeah, the brain.

Robby:

Yeah, you know the crocodile brain, which is so for those, for people listening. The amygdala is like kind of like your fight or flight reaction, like when you don't think things through any instant. Like you, if you touch something that's hot, you don't sit there and say, wow, this is hot, I should probably take my hand off. No, you're amygdala quickly warns you boom, correct, it's like your, would you call it fight?

Fabien:

Yeah, yep, so it's the reptilian part of the brain, the oldest part, the oldest part, yeah, and it's designed specifically for times when we're like shit, it's a saber tooth tiger going to chase me. This thing needs to kick into gear, and so I kind of talk to the amygdala being like the security guard or your bodyguard, so it. So. It's there when you're not there. When you're not, you're not quick enough to respond to a situation, this will kick into gear to protect you like a parent will pull their kid out of the water?

Fabien:

yeah, exactly exactly the other part that connects to that, that is all-encompassing, which I call like the secret services or the legionnaires you know, being french I am is your nervous system so what did you call the first one?

Robby:

sorry?

Fabien:

the amygdala, the, the, the bodyguard the bodyguard, so it's like the bodyguard. It's like you're walking around and you've got these? Make sure, straight away.

Robby:

Yeah, you got this big thing walking around and then the second one's a secret service, and then I call it like the secret services.

Fabien:

It's it's less obvious background.

Fabien:

So the bodyguard, you know at times can be ego, as an example, where it's like you're coming in, you're being more boisterous, more cocky, more arrogant because there's what's perceived to be a threat. So when we're talking about ego dynamics, what most people don't see is that there is a potential threat occurring in the moment for somebody. There's a part of them feeling inadequate and that's yeah, and then so the security guard turns into you know this kind of you know peacock, as an example yeah, like look how good, like to show them how good you are correct.

Robby:

Yeah, yeah, and see through the exactly, exactly, yeah, um so.

Fabien:

But what we didn't know for a long time and what a lot of people in the personal development space don't recognize, is that if you're, if you're listening now in particular, and somebody's like but you know, I've done all this work, but yet something still feels off.

Robby:

I feel like that sometimes.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah, that's what we're talking to right now.

Fabien:

So this feeling that what's missing, or, when I get to here, it's going to be okay and I've heard you on previous podcasts where you've spoken about gratitude being a key to enabling you to be grounded in the moment and to be grateful to help you progress, and it is. It's very potent, but sometimes we can't escape this feeling right, so we look to the external world to try to solve something that's happening inside. But what I said just before is that it's a feeling problem and we're trying to solve it with thinking and doing, and so this whole notion of we all live our lives and relate to the world through our nervous system is this is that when we experienced events growing up that were challenging our amygdala and our nervous system work hand in hand to set off a response. Fight, flight, fawn, freeze are usually the four responses that your nervous system will go through. All right, fight, flight, fawn freeze are usually the four responses that your nervous system will go through. All right, fight, flight is fighting. Flighting, yeah, explain them for those.

Fabien:

Listening, yeah, and fawning is like people pleasing and and being extra nice when you're feeling a bit under pressure, a bit scared and lots of people do that lots of people do that, and then the freeze response is like and we've all seen it with kids and ourselves like something happens and then the lights are on, but nobody's home yeah, this is like car crash, somebody losing a hand, you know, with kids and ourselves.

Fabien:

Like something happens and then the lights are on but nobody's home. This is like car crash, somebody losing a hand, you know, like big trauma events. It's like that's what's called disassociation we freeze. So when that occurs, this system's powerful because it's actually helping us in the moment. It's helping us deal with a situation that we can't deal with, we can't cognitively be available for in the moment.

Fabien:

The challenge that most of us didn't realize is that when you experience those events and you haven't then been able to process and remove the energy from those events, then that becomes your go-to response on how you do life throughout your life. Meaning that the moment you're an adult and you get triggered by your partner, the kids set you off, a business deal falls through, you're hustling, hustling, hustling, and something is really stressful in the moment you're going to revert back to we all revert back to our stress response from when we were children. So if your response as a child was to fight, you're going to find yourself now being the hustler. I'm going to force this through. I'm going to push, push. You find yourself getting really frustrated, agitated, angry.

Fabien:

If yours was a flight response. You're going to find yourself in situations constantly running away Like I can't deal with this, I'm done. I can't Going. Going, going, avoidance, right Avoidance, going, avoidance, right avoidance. If your strategy was fawning the people pleasing sides of things, you're going to find yourself being very much hey, like you know, trying to trying to massage things through all the time, abandoning yourself to make others happy and doing everything for your family putting everyone else, putting everyone else first, you know, and if your response was fawn as a freeze, then you're likely to be the person that is, you know, in the relationship scene that I work with in particular, like you're not emotionally available, You're not, you're not there for me.

Fabien:

You know, it's like, it's like he's here but he's not the women are usually saying that. Or you know, you find yourself sedating and just zoning out constantly for periods of time. They're your responses, but and that's the whole point of you know, we live our lives and relate to the world through our nervous system. So when our nervous system is activated, we go back to our childhood response and that's what's running the show in our adult relationships.

Robby:

So would you say that's tied directly with your. Like we talk a lot about, you know, conscious mind, like you consciously do things, and a lot of stuff we do is habitual or unconscious, right? Yeah, is that directly tied to that 100%?

Fabien:

yeah, so the work that I kind of guide people through is going from unconscious into conscious. Unconscious meaning that the ego is running the show, the wounds are running the show, that little person inside of you who's still stuck, who who's still trapped, is kind of dictating the show. And we've got to get to a point of becoming conscious where I call it soul, your innate essence, you know, in other words, authenticity as in your soul. Yeah, as in your soul, as in who are you authentically. Who are you with all the layers removed?

Robby:

Yeah, with no mask, Exactly exactly.

Fabien:

So, yeah, it was a fascinating concept and at the start it didn't make fucking sense because, you know, for me in particular, like being a man, if you're a man listening to this, it's like we still want to go up in here in the logic side of things and make sense of it. Well, okay, where's the practicality of this? Like, what do I need to do?

Robby:

How can I?

Fabien:

use this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my coach at the time, my guide, is like you're not getting it, fabian, it's like you've got to drop in. And so getting into this process of actually feeling safe, dropping into the body, is this whole notion of how we start to begin the process of actually changing these responses so that we're no longer reacting to life. We now responses so that we're no longer reacting to life. We are now. We now have the capacity to respond to life by choice. When we're in a place of reacting, we actually don't have choice, and a lot of us think that we do. But we we do have choice. But the choice is do I want to stay alive or do I want to die? Because if the nervous system is perceiving a threat, or the amygdala it perceives that you're going to die, so it will kick into automatically. Gear kicks you out of the driver's seat and it's like don't worry, robbie will take care of this hijacks the brain hijacks yeah yeah.

Fabien:

So when people do things wrong or the relationship breaks down I hear this all the time they're like he had a choice or she had a choice and I'm like, well, they, they do, but it's a choice between whether they want to stay alive or not. That's what their system is telling them, which is why we end up doing things, you know, that we're not so proud of sometimes.

Robby:

So okay, so and then. So there's those four main reactions. Yeah, the people will take and then do you? Do you just change the way we react like what is it? How do you fix it? How do you know there's something wrong? Sure, how do you just change the way we react Like what is it? How do you fix it? How do you know?

Fabien:

there's something wrong. Sure, how do you know that something's wrong? Well, life reveals to you, usually in your relationships in particular, where you're not free. That's the first thing that I say. So how do you know something's wrong?

Robby:

Well, when your reactions to life are not proportionate to the situation, that's at hand, like someone who flips their shit over getting cut off on the road, correct? And you're like dude relax yeah like he just he probably didn't see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like bananas yeah, absolutely bananas, it's like okay, you know it's a big reaction yeah, you've got a child.

Fabien:

They spill something on the table. This was very common in my household growing up. You know, knock over some water, I'd either cop a slap, it's a big outburst and it's like it was just water on the table, you know. So now, when my kids spill it, I can find myself at times like, like this volcano is going to erupt. And then it's like, oh, I'm about to erupt. And then I've got to go through a process of regulating, bringing myself back back into the moment and recognising it's just a class of water. How do you do that? By becoming aware that you're actually in the response, so catching yourself yeah, correct, correct, which is very hard to do it sounds easy but it's extremely hard to do, especially at the beginning phases of this work.

Fabien:

We can't see ourselves in our own wounds. We're blinded by them. We're blinded by them, you know. We're blinded by our own ego at times, because why? It's the bodyguard, but it's an invisible one.

Robby:

Yeah, I tell people all the time like you think you chose your thoughts.

Robby:

You didn't, your environment did, your unconscious did, your habits did, like the things that we don't. You know the beliefs that you don't even. You haven't even thought about things that we don't. You know the beliefs that you don't even you're not even you haven't even thought about. You're so sure in those beliefs that you don't even question them. Correct, right, yeah. And all that impacts everything you do. It's like you think you're in control. You're not in control. Nope, you are not in control. It's an illusion. Yeah, it's an illusion. It is such an. It's a very interesting. I find it personally. I find like that whole you know psychology, feelings, human behavior I find it a super, super interesting space. You know what I mean and I feel like the more you learn, the more you realize how much you don't know. And you're like man, like I thought I had this shit down pat and then I found this out and now there's like a whole other thing that's opened up.

Fabien:

It's crazy man, it's, yeah, this relentless pursuit it's. I always say inside of my community, to like people, I'm like we're actually unlearning the bad stuff. Yeah, you just, we're learning by unlearning, you know, by, actually it's about actually shedding and more being rather than doing. It's not the work, isn't actually doing, it's more being, it's all in the moment of showing up.

Robby:

So how do you know if you've got something that you need to shed or let go, like how would someone anyone, listening to this myself how would I know, like, if I've got? Something that I feel like I need to let go, but I feel like everything's fine. How would I know, like, if I've got something that I feel like I need to let go, but I feel like everything's fine, how would I know what would be like some of the key towels, what's? You know what I mean?

Robby:

well, because, because most people wait until something, uh significant happens in their life, yeah, and then it all falls apart and then they're like okay now and I wake up call yeah, yeah, like I was listening to your podcast that you did with I forget his name, but the gentleman from Canada.

Fabien:

Yeah, there's Dr Russell Kennedy or Dr Neema Neema. Yeah, dr Neema.

Robby:

The guy you said he spoke to you, the way he responded.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, he treated me, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was my first guy and the way he responded, yeah, he treated me.

Robby:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was my first guy. And you're like hey, why did you say it like this, how can you help me?

Robby:

And he told you to fly to Canada and over and he was talking about how he went through some stuff and had a big moment where it was like what the fuck just happened. Yeah, and you hear it with so many people. You know life is and I've heard you say this too and I hope you don't mind me sharing it, of course, but I remember watching a video you recorded in your car and you were talking about how your three kids just renovated their house, just went on a big trip married, happily married outside looking in my life's perfect Inside mess.

Robby:

Yeah, my life's perfect Inside mess, yep, and it's like how do we work? How do we fix the thing before it breaks?

Fabien:

Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Robby:

I know Because some people and you're very fortunate you get that opportunity to make the correction. Some people don't, some people it's one and done Do you know what I mean. Or it happens they think they fixed it, they didn't it happens again and then it's done.

Fabien:

It's very interesting, man. This is the part of where I suppose part of my message is trying to. As we said earlier, before we jumped on, was attempting to get people well before they need to have the significant holy fuck, the dark night of the soul, the huge wake-up call that usually creates carnage.

Fabien:

That is sometimes very hard to repair, yeah, and sometimes irreparable. It's sometimes irreparable 100%. So I think the first thing is, most of us know there's an innate knowing. We all have wisdom inside of us, our own intuition. The way that our system has been designed has been meticulously designed for us to be able to, you know, pick up frequencies and energy.

Fabien:

As an example, like you know, you can go into a room and you can sense if people were talking about you beforehand, or somebody doesn't really like you, or you meet somebody for the first time, you get a vibe. They say your vibe attracts your tribe. Yeah, that's actually a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing, right. So I think the first thing is that most of us that are going through stuff, even unconscious, we know whether things are working for us or not working for us. So you know for yourself if everything is happening perfectly for you or there's areas where it's like you know what? My health is not that great, my relationship here, finances, there there's going to be friction somewhere.

Robby:

But does anyone ever feel like everything is going perfectly?

Fabien:

I don't know, some do, because I feel like the people who perfectly.

Robby:

I don't know Some do yeah, Cause I feel like the people who do they're delusional to some degree.

Fabien:

Yeah, well, there's those people that are just, you know, on hopium or this, this smoking, positive, what is it? Hopium, hopium, yeah.

Robby:

So they're like everything's good.

Fabien:

They're always because we're being conditioned to avoid pain when any something bad happens. Hey, don't worry, Just look at the bright side. Like somebody shares something with you about a struggle. Hey man, don't worry, you live in Australia.

Robby:

There's a term for that? Is it toxic positivity or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah when they say like that is a like, for example, you know it's fine, you've got another one. It's like dude, like come on man.

Fabien:

What that's actually an indication of is we've got and this is what I talk to all the time we've got a feeling epidemic here. We've got an epidemic of people that don't know how to feel, and that's evident in the prices of alcohol skyrocketing through COVID. Everyone's sedating, overworking.

Fabien:

We're all attempting to run away from a feeling or feel something through sedation. So this toxic positivity as an example is just an indication that when you've got something coming up in the moment, some emotion, and I haven't dealt with my stuff and I don't know what to do with my shit, somebody else brings theirs, I'm going to help you bury it, hey man don't worry.

Fabien:

Or when I see somebody crying, it makes help you bury it. Hey, man, don't worry. Or when I see somebody cry and it makes me uncomfortable because it's like shit. You know, as a kid I got told don't cry this and that boys don't cry. Whatever the narrative is, somebody does, it's like hey, man, don't worry. Like you know, you lost your job, dude, you could be in the middle of. And so we do that because we just don't know what to do with the feelings that are arising in the moment.

Fabien:

But coming back to your point earlier, like are people in that point of? Like, my life is perfect? I think where most people are it's a generalisation here is that they're aware that things aren't functioning, but the perception is that that's normal. Because why, when you look around and you see your friends struggling and you see that couple going through shit and on TV here and the war over there, you're like, oh, this is just fucking normal. You just you're meant to have chaos and carnage. Somebody's drinking too much, somebody's overworking, somebody's this. It's like that's normal.

Fabien:

So I call it like the gray zone, or the dull zone, or the death zone, really, of just going well and it's normal to have challenges. Don't get me wrong. There's a big difference between challenges Like I've lost my job, you know money's a little bit tight. Children have got some health issues to dysfunction and there's a big difference between challenge and dysfunction. A lot of people are seeing dysfunction. A lot of people are seeing challenges. A lot of people are seeing their dysfunction as challenges, not actually dysfunction, where there's underlying issues driving behavior.

Robby:

So okay, how do you, how do you differentiate the?

Fabien:

two. Well, a challenge is you've lost your job. The business has decided we're scaling back. Your performance wasn't great perhaps. Or you know they're restructuring, it's okay. Loss of job, that's a challenge, okay. Dysfunction is, uh, you know, there was conflict taking place in the workplace and you've lost your job, but because of some toxicity that was taking place, whether that was in the culture of the business and it just wasn't working, or whether because you were bringing in your stuff, of my wife at home. This is what's going on. This, there's that, there's that. So the dysfunction is recognizing that if every night you need to drink three or four drinks every night, that's your thing, that's a sign of dysfunction, because that's not a normal thing. But if that's what you need to wind down, it's an indication that the nervous system is in a stress response. And the alcohol or the porn or the gambling or whatever that thing is the shopping.

Fabien:

Your outlet, your outlet is attempting to help you neutralise the feeling that's happening in here, because you don't know how to process it. The only way that you've known how is to grab the bottle and then go. Yeah, but because all of my mates do it and it's like hey, man, what are you doing? Let's go to the footy, the pub. It's become normalized in that. Well, fuck, everyone else is doing it, man, there's nothing wrong Like this, is just normal, but it is a sign of dysfunction. So that's the difference, and I think that's the challenge here, where we're in a society now where it's normal to overwork, it's normal to put your kids into school, into daycare and to be separated from your family so much it's normal to be under stress and duress because everyone's in it and this is just so. It's become very normalized right now, which is why most of us just accept this as the reality this conversation can go so many ways man.

Robby:

I have so many questions. I have so many questions. Where do you start?

Fabien:

Does this land for you? Is this landing for you? I know because we can reframe challenges right.

Robby:

Like well, hang on a minute um from a, you know, nlp perspective yeah, this is one deeper yeah, yeah, 100 like this is because when you first learn nlp, you think an nlp for those listening stands for um, neuro linguistic programming, and it's just basically changing the way you think. And that supposedly because the whole thing they teach is think, feel, do get. And if you change the way you think, it should change how you feel. But you're saying that this is the other way around.

Fabien:

It was my big aha. Nlp is amazing. It was my first opening to some of the stuff that I had going on in my childhood. Nlp helps you kind of identify the structures, so the programs that you've been adopting from a child that has now shaped the way you view the world, and I call it like the movie.

Fabien:

Mind that we are the director of our own life, so each of us are the director of our own life, and so if you imagine yourself right now sitting in a cinema, as an example, and up on the screen is a movie of your life, of your situations right now. What most of us don't realize and what NLP helps us with is recognizing that the scene that is on the screen is something that you've influenced, that you've decided that is eliciting particular responses in your life, and so most people have got a scene that's not serving them, like my parents were this and my partner's that, or business is this, my friend's that, and so there's a scene up on the screen which is eliciting a negative response that they don't like. But most of us aren't aware that we're in a cinema, in a movie, and many are not aware that we're in a cinema and a movie, and most of many are not aware that we actually the director and at any given point we can actually change the scene you're in control, correct, correct.

Fabien:

So where, under you know, unresolved trauma, nervous system comes into play, is that you can reframe an event that's taken place. So you know, using NLP, which is like this event has taken place, you know, maybe let's just say you were hit as a child okay. And it's like, well, my parents were under pressure, so if we were to go back and reframe it, it's like, well, they were doing the best that they could.

Robby:

They were under pressure. One of the best NLP presuppositions is like people do the best they can with what they know at the time, correct, correct, which is true.

Fabien:

It's true, yeah, which is true. But so if we're going to reframe that and say, well, they did the best that they could, they were under pressure, I was probably being a little shit, which is where a lot of people go, you know I wasn't an easy child because they got told that, oh, you're so difficult. You know your brother was easier or your sister was, or whatever the narrative was, so we can go in and reshift it so that we can neutralize, you know kind of how we viewed what occurred to us. But what it misses is the physiological aspect of when we were hurt and smacked and our parents betrayed us, the people that we're meant to love. What happens to a child in that moment is they've got a choice. Every child has got to choose between a secure attachment like I need to make sure my fucking parents take care of me yeah, and that's your survival, that's my survival.

Fabien:

Yeah, secure attachment and my own authenticity. Who am I as a kid? How am I evolving, how do I show myself? And so when a child misbehaves, or is it running around exploring the world? Because that's what we do as kids, and now we're just big kids, still trying to do it right? And then that is not agreed upon by the family, because you do something, you break that thing, you do the wrong thing because you're experimenting, exploring, you're learning about boundaries and you get hurt, whether it's physically or emotionally. You realize as a kid, it's not safe for me to be myself okay, because the act of you being yourself you caused you pain, correct, correct.

Fabien:

So then you realize shit. My primary caregiver, the person that's going to make sure I'm fed and meant to take care of me, has just not acknowledged this and said that's bad, or you're bad, or whatever you did is bad. So then the child in the moment has a choice Do I want to keep being that and experiencing that, or should I start to conform? And part of the conforming is the child has to self-abandon themselves to then create a secure attachment, and that's where they start to develop people pleasing tendencies, avoidance strategies, anxiety. They change and change their own behavior to keep mom and dad happy that's where conforming comes from, well that's where conforming or, like you know, the two face sides of things.

Fabien:

even so, they'll conform in the home, but then when they're out there, like what I was, I was conforming in the home, but then I was out there taking drugs as a 10 year old, drinking and, you know, looking like I was a good kid, wild and out as soon as you'd get your release.

Robby:

You would overdo it yeah.

Fabien:

Overcompensate. And so why? Because I'm trying to return back to finding who I am. This is why we have the epidemic of fuck. Who am I outside of a mother? I've forgotten that.

Robby:

Oh, dude, I witnessed that firsthand with my mum. Yeah yeah, firsthand, deep. Yeah, witnessed her once all the kids, because I've got an older brother and a younger sister.

Fabien:

Yeah, okay, so you're middle child, middle child, ah, cool the favourite, yeah, middle child.

Robby:

So when I I'd grown up, moved out, brother married, moved out, and then, once my sister was kind of married and moved out, it's like. It's almost like she lost her identity. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Like she'd been a mom for 20 years, yeah, man, and now that's it.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, what's next? Yeah.

Robby:

And now is yeah, man, and now that's it. Yeah, what's next? Yeah, and now, and especially like, yeah, when you do something for so long, it's so hard to change of course, right, yeah, yeah, and I saw her go through that and continue to go through that now, like it's um, yeah, and it's hard to witness because you, you start to think, oh, like that's a you don't know. When you're a kid, you don't know what the fuck's going on. Yeah, it's just your mom, you just just think it's normal.

Fabien:

Yeah, it's just life, it's just how it is. It's what everyone's going through.

Robby:

Yeah, it seems normal and you look back and then you realise, oh yeah, and then you try your best to not make the same mistakes. Does that?

Fabien:

make sense. I'm sure you've probably heard that line a lot. Yeah, yeah, not following the same footsteps, kind of thing, yeah more so like try and learn from them. Yeah, you know the things they teach you and the things that they do yeah, yeah, which is where, which is more from, where we learn from what they do less about what they tell us and more about what they do yeah, yeah, 100 kids will do what you do, not what you say.

Robby:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't have kids, but like, yeah, um, I feel like we've learned.

Fabien:

Yeah, you know that I don't have kids, but like I feel, like we've learnt, you know that I don't have kids.

Robby:

Well, no, no, I mean like with the kids and they follow what you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of the words that come out of my kids' mouth, yeah, and you're like, where did?

Fabien:

you get that from you, dad. You said it.

Robby:

Yeah, and then there's no going back. So okay, so you're talking about the four different, um I guess ways people handle or attachment types. I think I've heard you refer to it in some of your content as well.

Speaker 3:

Yep.

Robby:

Is there a better one? It should be. Are we learning? Are we trying to learn to be capable in all of them? Is there better ones? In certain situations, like how do we navigate this, I'm going gonna put someone yeah, yeah, do you know?

Fabien:

yeah, this is this is where the work really kicks in, man uh. So the holy grail is secure attachment but isn't security a human need? It is. But again, when, when it comes to our choice between I need to survive and I want to thrive and take a risk and be bold, we default to survival.

Robby:

Yeah, and that's why, and that's why people, which is a form of security, yeah.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it's just security.

Robby:

If I take this job at this big company and they've got you know, they'll pay my super annual leave and I know that every week we'll get paid and blah, blah, blah and I'm get paid and blah blah blah, yeah, you know, yeah, that whole life that everyone kind of falls into, right, yeah, exactly.

Fabien:

Exactly. That's why like starting a business, as an example, is like going out into the wilderness, it's like being in a zoo, yeah. And being raised in a zoo and then all of a sudden going out into, you know, the Amazon.

Robby:

Yeah, and generally those animals don't survive, right.

Fabien:

Well, it's a lot harder because you've got to what decondition. You know you're no longer being fed through the cage.

Robby:

You've now got to find your client no one's feeding you at all. No one's feeding you.

Fabien:

Yeah, you know, there isn't this warm, cozy bed at night. You've got to find shelter.

Robby:

There's no guarantee that you'll eat.

Fabien:

There mind shelter. There's no guarantee that you'll guarantee yeah. So yes, secure attachment from a perspective of you know, our stress response and our attachment is stemming back to that whole notion. What I said earlier, robbie, it's like the, the, the child who self-abandons because they can't be themselves anymore and explore because of that family dynamic. So so they self-abandon.

Fabien:

So ultimately, most of us, like as adults, as we get older, we're all trying to return home. We're all actually trying to go back, and the work that I teach is going back and collecting that younger version of you, that experience certain things and bring them into the moment. And we do that by creating emotional safety within ourselves. That's the holy grail of being able to create secure attachment in your life, meaning that I'm securely attached to myself, I'm fully okay with who I am, I express myself authentically and I don't abandon myself when I enter relationships, when I'm with a significant other and I'm presently available for my family, my children and whatnot. I'm emotionally available. So, like speaking to your mom and lots of other moms, including mine as well, they, a lot of them, didn't know how to put their own oxygen mask on first yes, and so talking to that abandonment stuff, it's like mothers in particular that experience abandonment growing up.

Fabien:

Now they become a mother.

Robby:

They emulate what their mother did yeah which is it's make it all about the kids. Kids first, kids first. The kids need to be okay exactly and they almost wear that like a badge of honor. Do you know what I mean?

Fabien:

like it was like a sense of pride like, yeah, we put the kids, yeah, correct, correct, that's that's, it's a badge of honor. But then it turns into resentment and it turns into ill health for them eventually. Because when you're operating out of alignment, from from abandonment, you know you're saying, well, what are the warning signals? It's like, well, if you're in the zone where you think these things are normal, what ends up happening is the universe puts you in circumstances in order to help you awaken. So this is where I had my events. I've had multiple events. That event on 2019 was the final straw. I had multiple events that were probably even more severe than that one.

Robby:

Do you mind sharing? You don't have to share specifically, but what are some examples of those events? Like what's something that someone might be experiencing now that would tell them like hey, like something's fucking wrong, dude, Like you know, you need to fix this Because I've heard a concept. Concept, you may have heard this as well. It's like first it's a whisper yeah yeah, then it's a someone calling your name. Yes, then it's this, then it's that, then it's a fucking bus. Yeah, that way, don't do it before the bus comes yeah, don't get hit by a bus.

Robby:

Yes, do it when listen and do it when you're getting the whispers, yes, about it. Yeah, make the change then.

Fabien:

Yeah.

Robby:

So what are some of these experiences? Or, if you're comfortable to share your own, what are some of the stuff that people might be having. Now For myself, what would I look out for?

Fabien:

Well, what's something if you want to be, you know, if we want to do you, which is a great, great option. What is an area of your life right now that is creating a lot of frustration or friction, more than what you're used to?

Robby:

Right now I feel like there's a few different areas in my life that are doing that. I would say one would be one's business, one's relationships, one's Yep Health is okay.

Fabien:

Actually I've recently done 75 hard yeah yeah, yeah, I've done that a few times. Yeah, I've recently done 75 hard. Yeah, awesome man that kind of got me into line.

Robby:

Smash.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah good.

Robby:

You need that. Yeah, it was a good reset, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a great reset. I was hating it when I was doing it, yeah.

Fabien:

But I was so committed.

Robby:

Yep, yep, did the carnivore diet for 75 days, yeah cool, and dropped 13 kilos. Oh, wow, yeah, awesome.

Speaker 3:

Come out of it pretty good.

Robby:

Yeah, so I would say that's decent Okay. So then if we were to just take one of them.

Fabien:

Yeah, give me one. So when you look at your relationships, there's an area where there's either a void yeah, yeah. There's a fantasy, so the root of all suffering. When I talk inside of my community, it's like when we've got friction, frustration, tension. Yeah, it's because of this thing, and I call it the fantasy versus the reality.

Speaker 3:

Okay.

Fabien:

We have a reality of this thing, and I call it the fantasy versus the reality. Okay, we have a reality of a situation. So what's that for you in terms of relationship? Actually, I'll talk to the fantasy. What do you want in the relationship? What are you hoping that could be happening there or should be happening?

Robby:

So if we were to talk about, say, like an intimate relationship, yeah, whatever the relationship. Yeah, I feel like well, I thought at this point in my life.

Fabien:

I love this. By the way, he's in the chair.

Robby:

I thought at this point in my life I'd be at a point where I had a family, a couple of kids. That was what I pictured. Okay, gotcha man yeah, that couple of kids, that was what I pictured. Okay, gotcha man yeah, that's the fantasy. Yep, and I still want that. Sure.

Fabien:

Gotcha, okay, good, good, I appreciate your vulnerability as well here, so just sit with that for a moment, okay. So you have a statement right now, okay, yeah. And the statement is usually starts with I and you said it just before. I should what I said I should have a family. I should have a family by now, yeah, yeah, okay. So when you sit with that, this is where we start to be able to take a peek in some of the frustration that we may have, some of the sadness that you may have in and around seeing other people with a family as an example. That might elicit a response for you. So that's the fantasy I should. And usually when we're talking about fantasies in my world, it's like it's usually I should, I shouldn't, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done this, or I should should should's a horrible word. Yeah, they should, they shouldn't is another form of a fantasy.

Fabien:

So they shouldn't be like expectations, yeah, right, and then there's the reality. So there's, the reality of this is where you are right now. Okay, so the thing that creates the friction is that you've got a reality of here's where you are in your life, here's where you thought you'd be, here's where you should be. And then the question is in order to alleviate that the gap, the gap, it's to recognize that where you are is totally okay, but not from here, from here from the body. And how do you say, okay. So the ability, the ability to do that, is having a level of acceptance that where you are is nor right or wrong, it's just where you are, just is. And why? Well, it's because you can't be anywhere else right now, because this is the only moment that you have. Well, this is, this is it, where, where life is a series of moments that just keep rolling into the next and rolling into the next. And this is now and this is right now. And here's the kicker Because we have the should, we end up creating resistance and we end up creating friction, and whatever we resist persists. So, when we're sitting in a place of judgment, because what's actually happening is you're saying you should be, yeah, if you should be and you're not. So you're placing judgment upon yourself for where you are versus a level of acceptance and compassion for where you are, because the whole irony is that your life could be better, should be better, if you had this.

Fabien:

And I can resonate because I thought, when I had a family and I got married and I had kids, that this void that I kept trying to fill, this pursuit of like trying to fix me and everything would just take care of itself. Why? Because I'd heard from people that when they had kids, life changes. Man Just, oh, can't explain it, dude. Man, all the fathers that I spoke to, oh, dude, I hear that now Can't explain it, dude, like, it's just this thing of like. And I thought, fuck, so when I have my firstborn, it's all going to come into alignment and I'm going to be sweet man. It got fucking worse. It's like this is the magic pill. It got worse. It's like, fuck, I don't even know what to do with this thing. It's made more shit surface. And so then I began to resent my dynamic that I was in. I actually started to look at people that were single and gone.

Speaker 3:

Fuck man, that was easier than this.

Fabien:

Give me that. So there was this should shouldn't statement, there was resistance, there was a gap that was creating more friction in my life. So to answer your question and then to help others that are listening, it's like recognizing where do you have a statement where things should be different, because the moment you recognize you have an I should, I shouldn't, they should, they shouldn't about whatever's going on in your life right now. For you it's relationships. It's meaning that we're not able to sit in the present and fully accept where we are and be okay with it and have compassion towards ourself for where we are. Because the moment you do that and you arrive here and that friction is now gone, it makes you available to actually pursue the things that you really actually want to have in your life. It usually just clicks.

Fabien:

So it's that whole thing of like, the less you chase a family, the less you chase success. It's then drawn to you and I see this all the time when I've coached men in particular the less they've gone out chasing women after their divorce or whatever's happened and they've gone in and actually reconciled with where they're at and accepted that, then they're like hey, man, you wouldn't believe it. Like just the other week I was at a bar this girl we're dating. She's like everything that I actually envisaged. Like you know, honeymoon phase, I get it, but you know. So I'm not saying that you're in that kind of circumstances right now, but what I found time and time again for myself as well the less I chased something and the more I accepted and acknowledged where I was at and recognised that whilst I could be further along, like you could, I could also have been further behind, because both of them are simultaneously true.

Robby:

Okay, can I challenge?

Fabien:

you on this, please.

Robby:

So when you say, john, we'll grab the jug of water behind you, please, thanks, buddy. When we talk about the yes, you could be behind, aren't you just doing the same thing? And I could be completely wrong here? Tell me if I am. But aren't we just just doing the same thing and I could be completely wrong here? Tell me if I am. But aren't we just talking about the same thing that most people do when there's dysfunction and they are just thinking this is normal, like kind of like? The word I want to use is justification. Sure, sure I get you.

Fabien:

Not in the sense of not accepting, kind of like, the positivity trap thing. Yeah, a little bit like that. Yeah, so good point. There's a difference here, though, because one is in one hand we're attempting to deny a reality.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Fabien:

By saying things could be better if I had this thing, this relationship, this business.

Robby:

So yeah, not not accepting what is right now correct and, on the other hand, it's like.

Fabien:

Well, whilst that could be true, like we don't know yeah it could be true that if you have the family, things could be better could be worse, statistically, statistically low.

Fabien:

The odds probably don't favor that, given the divorce rate and the unhappiness rates in relationships. Right, it's like through the roof 50% divorce, 85% of people aren't happy in their intimate relationship. So they have that 85%, bro, probably more. To be honest, there's an element of unhappiness, there's resentment, there's stuff that's gone down and it's not functioning properly. So that's a lot of people. Man heaps, man heaps. So the the point of actually looking to the other side is that if we're trying to argue that it could be better here, well the same could also be true on the other side. So when that process is to just help us neutralize something that both sides can be true, could be, yeah, could go this way fucking no, why don't we know?

Fabien:

because where are we? We're here, we're fucking here, which is the truth. The question is are we perceiving this truth right now to be a bad thing or a good thing? We're usually labeling it either side. The goal of the work that I teach people is to recognize that it's not good or bad, it just is. And what's your relationship to what is like? This is just where I am. Can I love myself regardless of where I find myself? Can I give myself compassion? Can I acknowledge how far I've come yet, recognizing that I could be further along, but I could also be further behind? Here is where I am.

Fabien:

And then the kicker here is how do we now gravitate and pull ourselves towards a place that we really love to be in? It's where we are very clear in our vision and our intentions, creating a life by design, not default. So it's then going what are my values, what are my beliefs, what's my vision? And then beginning to create that in the now going. What are my values, what are my beliefs, what's my vision? And then beginning to create that in the now going.

Fabien:

Well, if I'd love to have a family. Have that in my vision, I want to have a family. I want to have a loving relationship. I'd love to have multiple children, if I'm blessed enough to. I'd love to be living in this kind of area, doing this kind of work with these kinds of people, and then, as you do that and you're very clear on that it's the thing, it's your north star that enables you to move through and begins to magnify, bring people to you rather than pursuing the rabbit, so to speak.

Fabien:

Yeah, you know, because the more we chase it, the further it runs. And so that's the shift that usually takes place in the work that I see for the people, for myself, once I stopped trying to force things because that was my nature, like I'm going to fucking make this work, I'm going to force it, real estate. I'm going to work hard, I'm going to become successful at the cost of burnout. I'm going to force this thing over here at the cost of sedation on the weekends, fuck, you know. And so, yeah, I don't know if that lands for you brother, but that's for you brother, but that's no, it does.

Robby:

And at the cost of you sedating yourself on the weekend as well. You know what I mean. And getting to the point where you're like there is so much tension day to day that it gets to the point where you're like I need some sort of substance, something that I can, and for some people, like some people, it's escapism. This is where people like you'll go watch binge Netflix for eight hours and it's like that's not normal. You know what I mean.

Fabien:

Or go watch four or five webinars. Yeah, and you're just Personal development junkie, right yeah?

Robby:

It's avoidance. Yeah Right, you're doing anything to not go and face the problem, it's feel, the feelings.

Fabien:

That's why I said earlier man, we've got a feeling epidemic. I had it Like a big drinking problem. It's been 100 days now no alcohol, no substances, nothing. I said by the time I was 40 that it'd be done. Every time I'd said it previously there was a part of me that knew I was going to return back to it Like I'm just saying it, I'm not embodying it this time around and I share this with my community. It's like there's a difference when you actually step into who you said you're going to be and then you start making decisions from that place and then there's that's when alignment kicks in. So there's been times I can be wrong. I still got alcohol in the fridge. I open the thing. I'm like oh, it's been a stressful week.

Fabien:

Kids are sick yeah business this and I look and I was like just take the edge off yeah, just take the edge off man. So we got fakies, we got the zero zero, the sahi zero, and and it's like sometimes I drink it like shit. This is real, but it's actually not but um placebo, placebo, yeah, yeah, yeah you associate the, associate the feeling to the flavor. Yeah.

Robby:

And then it starts to make you feel a certain way.

Fabien:

Yeah, correct, correct yeah.

Robby:

Yeah, I think it's a never-ending discussion, isn't it really? Like there's so many layers of depth that this goes into and it all starts with awareness, man, Like it all starts with the courage? Yeah, Because I know people who they're not happy, but if you ask them they won't say it Of course.

Fabien:

Shame guilt.

Robby:

It's hard man and you're like, yeah, are you happy with your life? Yeah, yeah, I don't need any more than this. Yeah, it's hard man. And you'd be like, yeah, are you happy with your life? Yeah, yeah, I don't need any more than this. Yeah, I don't have to. No, I don't want. Like you know, I don't want a relationship or I don't want, and it's like it's the fear of admitting you want it because then you've got to do something about it. Yeah, if you're admitting that you're not happy with where you are, because then now, if you admit it and you believe what you say, now you got to do something that's going to follow through with some level of action that's going to allow you to.

Fabien:

Yeah or they don't, and it just lingers around.

Robby:

Like.

Fabien:

I know I've got to do it. I've been there. I've been there too. Yeah, I've been there. I'm going to the gym, I'm setting the 5 am.

Robby:

I'm waking up or you, you do something and then like you. So the gym is a great example. Yeah, and you sign up to it this is enough, you know I'm gonna get my health in order and you go, and you sign up to a gym, and you go for two weeks or maybe two months, and then you start to fall back to the default, to your old ways yeah, yeah to your old ways. You know, you start to fall back To the default.

Robby:

To your old ways, man? Yeah, yeah, To your old ways. You know, you start to fall back to your normal habits and you go back to your emotional home. I have a question, yeah go for it, man.

Speaker 3:

So what are your thoughts about habits? Especially, have you guys read the book called Dopamination? No, no. So yeah, it is a very good book. Yeah, just for recommendation.

Robby:

What's it called?

Speaker 3:

Dopamination, yeah, dopamination.

Fabien:

I think it's actually free on Audible, I think so I think I might have it on Audible, but I haven't listened to it.

Speaker 3:

I've got heaps on there. Yeah, because most of the stuff the bad stuff we do is because we want to have that dopamine boost correct a feeling. So we're chasing, we're chasing, we're chasing cigarettes alcohol, everything they have like this, dopamine spikers in them, correct? That goes into us? Yep, and these habits, all the habits gambling everything, porn, whatever it is, it's mostly connected to dopamine and we in part.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes and we are. We only have a finite amount of dopamine in our system every single day. Correct it just resets, yeah, and what are your thoughts about that? Especially habits?

Fabien:

yeah, I think, uh well, habits are powerful because that's part of one of the pillars that I teach inside of my community. But I was going to say to earlier your point, robbie, as well that this whole, everyone reverting back to the default of you know the way they did life, everyone reverts back to the strategy that they've always had for life. We've all got this strategy for life. So, from a perspective of habits, as an example, dopamine plays a part in it. So, same as serotonin, same as your cortisol levels that impacts your cholesterol, so there's a whole gamut of things that occur inside the system. Dopamine is a simpler way to explain habits, also known as addiction, if you will. But the underlying driver, the question that we need to ask ourselves, is why am I chasing that? What's pushing me towards that? It's that I want to feel something right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Fabien:

I want to feel a certain way. So then the next question is well, what is it about the way I'm feeling now that I don't like? What is it about what's coming up in me now, which is also a feeling that I'm struggling with, that requires me to go and chase alcohol, porn, gambling, et cetera, and so that's where I that's. The conversation that I like to have is that we're experiencing a feeling right now that is not setting off dopamine. It's usually setting off cortisol stress response.

Robby:

Yeah.

Fabien:

It's not good, so it's we. Then, of course, naturally, our bodies found a way to keep us surviving, because if we didn't have the source of chasing dopamine, we we would have like we already think we've got an epidemic of suicide we we would have catastrophic numbers right now if we we removed all alcohol gambling screens.

Robby:

Oh yeah, there's a lot of people who could not face reality.

Fabien:

On the one part, everyone thinks if we just removed it all, this would be amazing. It'll actually be fantastic.

Robby:

Yeah, all of a sudden, all my fixes, all my vices have disappeared.

Fabien:

Correct this is the reason why people that are very wealthy, celebrities and whatnot, that have reached pinnacles in their life, end their life. End their life because they've turned every stone, so they believe in that they've got all the money, all the resources, all the fame, but yet can't escape the void of inadequacy, the pressure, the performing all of that, and they're like I've just got to end it. Because if I've got all the money in the world and I can't fix this because it's all external strategies, except for Russell Brand's a perfect example of him recognising drugs, drugs, drugs, external then went in and did the internal work and was able to revive his life, change everything that he does now. So habits are powerful. The reason why they're hard to change is because the strategies that we've developed now, the habits that we have created right now, have all been created out of a need to survive.

Fabien:

So to let go of a habit is is extremely challenging because it's been designed at a time where, on the one part, you've witnessed your parents growing up in a particular way, so you develop strategies to cope, and so letting go of this structure, being vulnerable and then trying to create a new habit, is really hard. The system won't accept the new habit. So one of the ways that we teach inside of our communities to in order to like the ability to receive information, then implement, comes down to whether we can create safety within our body. So that is disarming the bodyguard, the secret services, to allow ourself to be available, emotionally available, to create secure attachment, to then start stepping into this new identity. Because the way I teach habits is a habit coincides with an identity. So you can say I want to go to the gym, which is what I've said many, many times, but I didn't have an identity built around.

Robby:

Okay, I'm a person who trains.

Fabien:

I'm a person who trains. I also see myself as physical and I can understand that when I train, my business gets better, my life gets better, my this gets better it wasn't gets better. My this gets better. It wasn't encompassed and encapsulated. So therefore the commitment to go and train and wake up felt more like a chore rather than an empowering thing of like. We know we feel better after we train, but it's like why can't we bring that feeling before you know the alarm goes off? Or it's like, oh fuck. So that's kind of my view on on habits. But in all honesty, habits have been a hard thing for me because developing new habits when you've got unresolved trauma, it's like your system is trying to keep you surviving so it'll keep you stuck in that like something pulling the other way correct, correct, yep, yep, yep.

Fabien:

Anything new is deemed unsafe if we're not regulated.

Robby:

New is deemed unsafe. If we're not regulated, new is deemed unsafe and your brain's not designed to make you happy.

Fabien:

No.

Robby:

It's designed to keep you alive. Do you think you know? You talk about dopamine and habits, and there's two ways I want to take this One. Like social media, like the notifications. Like they know what they're doing. They've got it all down pat. They understand the game. They understand you know why, how to get us addicted to it, and most people are. Yeah, and I delete the apps from my phone, yeah.

Robby:

I've gone through those phases too. Oh dude, I delete them from my phone. I have ways of like poster scheduled. Yeah, I get dms through another app, so, like something, I've connected it to a crm system, so I can still respond to people and I only download the app if I have to do something, and then I'll try and get it off my phone as quick as possible sometimes I leave it on and then I'll notice I'm spending too much time on it. Delete it, boom. Delete it that effort, brother.

Fabien:

That would have taken a lot to get to, huh.

Robby:

Yeah, but it was like a thing of I'd get to the end of the day and I'm like screen time Awareness. It's like Face the Demon. Yeah, just look. Yeah, fuck, 94 minutes on Instagram.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, research.

Robby:

That's a percentage of my day, but like, okay, you want to do the research. Actually, go and do research for 20 minutes.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Robby:

Like you know, jump on your computer, do the research and then close it off and sign out and call it a day.

Fabien:

I know Don't sit there because I've been in this trap man Dude, man dude. It's tough especially now being a business owner.

Robby:

It's like there's these memes, right it's like business owner, you're a content creator well, yeah, all business owners are like media agencies yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's, uh, it's crazy so you have to be all over it and they've got us hooked on that.

Robby:

but you talked about the gym example and when, when I was doing 75 hard, which I mentioned before, I was up 5 am, I knew I had to get my first workout in the morning, otherwise I was going to get caught out, and I announced that I was doing this publicly. So I was like I can't fail this man. You know what.

Speaker 3:

I mean.

Robby:

So I was up, boom 5 am, go to the gym, get it done. And now, fuck, is it a mission to get up and go to the gym.

Fabien:

Yeah, man, yep.

Robby:

Do you know what I?

Fabien:

mean Mm-hmm. And it's like why Identity On the first part, the accountability aspects. So people like you and I because I can relate to this, this was my story Like when I was single, it was a hell of a lot easier for me to train, get the rig out, feel strong all this kind of stuff. As a driver. Yeah, yeah, and I was working in mining, so I didn't really have a business.

Robby:

You were working in mining.

Fabien:

I used to work in mining, yeah, yeah, before real estate, as an electrician.

Robby:

Sparky, yeah, yeah.

Fabien:

So there's a gym on site, food taken care of. I was training twice a day, man panels ripped, but different beasts. To now, different things have changed. But one of the things that I've learned it comes back to that self-abandonment and that identity is that when we don't have full alignment within ourselves, our identity is not fully clear yet we haven't had the capacity to step into it then we usually don't honor our own values. Why wouldn't we honor our own values? Because most of our values won't be clear.

Fabien:

So this comes back to that whole where's your vision? What are your values? And then creating habits that are assigned to the values that you want to live your life by and the vision that you're creating and stepping into every single day. A lot of people think vision is this is where my life will be 10 years from now. But the vision is now.

Fabien:

It's actually you stepping into the identity of what you said you wanted to experience 10 years from now how you want to be received, the type of family you'd like to have, career, income, body, all of that doing it now, but then embodying it now, saying well, if this is how I'm going to be spoken about at my eulogy, like I have children. They're going to say dad was this and he was amazing and he was caring and he's kind and he's whatnot it's like. Well, I get the opportunity to step into that now, and so if part of the vision is, I'm going to be fit, lean, strong so that I can live a longer life, spend more time with my grand kids, then, when it comes time for these, you know, waking up at 5 am.

Fabien:

if that's the goal, it's then like ah, you've connected the dots, I've connected the dots correct. Of like ooh, there's more meaning now than I'm just going to the gym.

Robby:

This is not getting up at 5 am, Correct? Yes, Setting my legacy.

Fabien:

This is like oh, wow, this is the vision now, like yeah, and then here's the kicker when you do it and you've gone in and you've connected it to the whole North Star thing, it's like you start to feel empowered. You're walking around a little bit more taller, there's a bit more alignment, there's a bit more integrity, and so I always found it easier being held accountable to other people. Like, go to a gym with somebody else if they said we'll meet at 5 am or if it's a golf trip.

Fabien:

I'm always there, but when it was things for myself, I wasn't, and the key indicator for me was that my vision was never really set, it was never really clear. My values weren't so every morning.

Fabien:

I was not waking up, stepping into something. I was waking up kind of like because I stayed up late last night, I was doing the business proposal, I was scrolling and because I'm pursuing success and not allowing it to come to me because of how I show up. So that was my big kind of aha in that, and for me now the excuses are three kids Sometimes there's nights they wake up a little gym set up at home so it's like, well, if I can't do the one-hour workout, I can do the rings and the push-ups and that, like, I can do 10, 15 minutes, something that enables me to keep you know?

Robby:

Yeah, I recall seeing a video the other day and he's like we need to look at things in spectrums. And he's like if the perfect morning is get up to feel refreshed, go to the, go to the sauna, do an ice bath, train, you know, I mean all that like that's the perfect morning meditate, gratitude. He's like what's the worst type of best morning we can have? And he goes, goes, yeah, if I've got two hours, I can do all that. He's like if I've got 10 minutes, I can still do 150 pushups. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? He's like as long as I get somewhere in between here and here, I've done the best I can that day to set my day off in the right direction, 100%.

Fabien:

Yeah, I thought that was pretty powerful Small. It would be nice to have that two hours every morning. Yeah, it'd be good.

Speaker 3:

I want to go one step deeper. So have you guys read the book it's called? It Didn't Start With you by Mark Wolin.

Robby:

No.

Speaker 3:

No, I have heard about it though. Okay, so this book mostly talks about some of the things can be genetically passed to you from your ancestors.

Robby:

I've heard this yeah, like genetically passed through trauma, dr Bruce Lipton. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

So, for example, if your parents well, grandparents were in war and they hear very loud gun noises, ballistics or whatever it is, you yourself as a person could get shocked by loud sounds and get anxious, anxiety or like survival instincts kick in.

Robby:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

So what are your thoughts about that? Could it be like deeper, deeper, like?

Fabien:

genetically deeper. It's a generational problem that we have, so we're just. Yeah, there's great question too.

Robby:

Yeah, but so do you think? I don't know enough about this, but do you think that it is because the claim there is that it's genetic? It's not because a lot of what we're taught, yep, have you read? Uh, the courage to be disliked no good book no, so he refers to things like how you do like, instead of it's not. I think this and therefore I do that. It's I do that, which makes me think this yes, and it flips it around.

Robby:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice and um, they refer to like normal way of thinking is oh, you grew up in this environment and that caused this trauma. This states the other way around yeah, and it states that, no, that was genetically passed on. Like we, they could have technically based on that statement, you could take the baby out of the environment and they're still going to have the same.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah, so where there's a yes to this, but then there's some ambiguity. Dr Bruce Lipton speaks about this, epigenetics in particular. He's like one of the godfathers in this space. He talks about the notion of genetics loads the gun and the environment pulls the trigger. So what does that mean? Genetics loads the gun. Genetics loads the gun and the environment pulls the trigger. Okay, Okay.

Fabien:

Yeah, so the epidemic that we're talking about right now, that I said we've got a feeling problem, secure attachment, all this stuff that we've spoken to is coming from our parents, their parents, their parents, grandparents. That's where it's stemming from. We've got a generational trauma cycle that is now rearing its head massively. Why? Because the wars that occurred, the famines that were occurring back a hundred years ago, they didn't have time to process emotions.

Robby:

When therapy Dude, I talk about this all the time I say, man, life has gotten good recently. Do you know what I mean?

Fabien:

Even when therapy was created and designed, it was designed to help women stay in their relationships and just manage what was going on, not to leave relationships. How old is therapy? Good question. I can't remember the year, but I think it was early 1900, like 1920, which is not that old. Not that old, no, but it was merely designed to keep families together, to keep women in that kind of dynamic, and so the genetic sides of things is that there is predispositions if your parents. There's two, two parts.

Fabien:

There's one of what your parents experienced yeah so if dad and his grandpa and his grandpa were always under stress, their nervous systems are activated. They're hiding, running high cortisol. That's going to change the way they show up and it's going to change how they eat, what they eat, how they sleep. So it's going to affect their sperm count, the cells and all those kinds of things.

Robby:

So it's going to influence stuff yeah yeah which which makes sense if you think about humans as organisms.

Fabien:

You're going to see the flow on effect, correct, correct um so so the, the, the bloodline, if you will starts to be activated in a particular way. Now it doesn't mean that a baby, if your parents were in war and you're born like there's no more war, if there's war while you're being born and you're in the womb, then it's more aggressive. Because you're in the womb, mum's stressed, her nervous system is activated and that's getting filtered through the umbilical cord. You're getting all of that. We're already, as a baby, in the womb, predicting what's going on in the environment. Now, when we're in our father's sack, it's another case, right? It's like, well, he's got his stuff going on.

Fabien:

Doesn't mean that if he was responsive to loud noises, that you, being born in this environment today in Melbourne, australia, that you're going to be affected by loud noises Not necessarily Doesn't mean that, but what's likely going to occur is that if, as a child, you start to find yourself in environments that are chaotic and whatnot, it will activate certain genes and cells in your system that have already been there, that would have potentially been dormant. Now they're being woken up because generationally this is a common theme that was occurring. So this is where Dr bruce lipton talks about it and it probably says it in um. What was the book that you mentioned um?

Speaker 3:

it wasn't your fault. It doesn't start with you.

Fabien:

It doesn't start with you yeah is that whole notion of you know. In some of the work that we, that I do, it's like the question of you know if you've got some trauma. There's a question that I ask. It's like the question of you know if you've got some trauma. There's a question that I ask them. It's like was this after birth? There's a question that we ask them to go in their conscious, unconscious mind Was it after birth, during birth or before?

Fabien:

Did people say before? Yeah, because they're tapped in, they're like in a deep hypnosis of kind of reflective, like did this happen? When did this happen? And not all the time, but some of the time people will say this is before time, like I'm carrying something that my mother carried, that her mother carried. That's insane. It's insane because then they might go and ask their mom hey, your mother or your grandmother, do you remember much about her? Because they'll get a download of something that has been genetically passed down that they're actually experiencing right now. Very common in Indigenous, very common in the Israeli, you know, with Auschwitz and all that that took place, where people that are doing trauma now they're actually shedding the things that occurred way back, but their grandparents or great-grandparents, correct, correct, yep, that's insane.

Robby:

Man, isn't that insane?

Fabien:

like it's crazy man, it is crazy. It is crazy, but we're all energetic beings. We're made up of cells, so we're made up of positive and negative. We're made up of cells. A cell has both positive and negative. So that's why I used that example earlier about things could be worse, things could be bad. That's the duality, that's the polarity of life, that there is an equal opposite of a negative and a positive every single time. That's how the universe works. We have to be always in balance. That's why there's as much bad happening as there's much quote-unquote good happening.

Robby:

Don't you think everyone has some level of trauma.

Fabien:

A hundred percent. Just being born is a traumatic event, even if your mother was really calm, kind, the whole dynamic at home was beautiful. Your father was very loving and supporting and nurturing and he was emotionally available. Back in our day, like back when we were kids, it was very rare right Coming out of the womb, whether it's getting cut open or through, you know, the, the canal. That's an experience in itself. You know first day yeah, yeah.

Robby:

Go from being inside a womb covered in liquid to taking your first breath.

Speaker 3:

I have another question, so it's pretty much for the listeners, as most of them might have not read the book the Body Keeps the Score. So you were talking about child trauma and there is a section about a child who draws his experience from 9-11. Do you remember that? A child who, what A child who draws a picture from 9-11. Do you remember that A child who what A child who draws a picture from 9-11, his experience, so what he draws, is that he draws a mattress outside the window of the 9-11 building. So what he says, like, oh, my parents will put a mattress underneath there, and he didn't have any trauma about the event because the parents were his like security.

Robby:

So is that referring to people jumping out of the building Putting a mattress?

Speaker 3:

in yeah so the child did experience the 9-11 event, but he was alive during the event. Yeah, yeah, I think yeah so that's like after it was a few years later, yeah so he draws this photo, yeah, this picture, yeah. So what are your thoughts about that and how does it like?

Fabien:

yeah, thoughts, sure. Well, I can't remember the exact details of the books ages ago since I read the book, but from from memory, or the context of that, is that, whilst we may not experience significant trauma in our home growing up like it, can you know, there's secure attachment, our parents are available, there's steadiness, there's groundedness and all that kind of jazz we've still got society like. We've got you know, like, even when I drive my kids to school sometimes and the radio turns on, I usually don't have any music on or any radio, and sometimes I put some music on for him. When I hit the radio on this like and and reports, last night in melbourne there was a fatal stabbing, that, and this is eight o'clock in the morning.

Fabien:

So they're hearing that, same as they're hearing what's going on in palestine and stuff right now, or ukraine, and they're asking questions like oh, dad, dad, what's going on here? So that's putting an imprint on them. So you know, in the context of that boy who didn't have a direct involvement, the whole world was talking about it. He would have heard it in conversations.

Fabien:

No, no, I think I have to make it clear a little bit.

Speaker 3:

So the context is that the child did experience the 9-11 event. Okay, so what happened? Is that he actually didn't get any trauma out of it because the parents were his like security sure, which shows that for young children the parents can either be a blessing or a curse, correct?

Speaker 3:

so yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanted to get an answer from the side of a blessing, because you did talk about how if a parent, like hits a child, the child correct like jumps back into like the survival mode correct for on yeah, okay, gotcha, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, nice, um, so, yes, okay.

Fabien:

So the whole goal, remember, was secure attachment, the fight between authenticity and secure attachment. So a child who's got secure attachment, the fight between authenticity and secure attachment, so a child who's got secure attachment by his parents or her parents, has the capacity to authentically discover themselves In that narrative. I'm going to go back and actually have a look at it and I'll flick you guys an email on my thoughts or a video is you can have the dynamic of two siblings growing up in the same environment at home and one turns out to be a successful business person, family and whatnot, and one turns out to be a drug addict, as an example, and ends up in prison. There's a great story about that, yeah, yeah, there's quite a few. You use this example and it's like, well, what's the difference? They both experienced the same thing, right, growing up.

Fabien:

Similar. First thing is that they both didn't experience the same parenting, because we've got this conception that you grew up in a home, that you, if you and I, are brothers, robbie, it's like our father, our mother, parents us exactly the same way. They actually don't Every parent. So I've got three children. They both have three different mothers and three different fathers. So that's the first thing, they get parented slightly different, even though at times I don't want to admit it the tone is different. Here the punishment may be a little bit different. There, the connection shifts.

Robby:

Yeah, but it would be weird if you spoke, because they're different humans.

Speaker 3:

Correct.

Robby:

It'd be weird if you spoke to them all in the exact same way.

Fabien:

Well, but here's the problem though Growing up, a lot of people are like oh you, you know thing, was the golden child, or you took care of you know sister more, not me, and parents that can't see that will deny no, no, no, no, we loved you the same, we treated you the same, whereas when my son says it to me, dad, you take care of orlando differently and he doesn't get in trouble as much and whatever. I was like yeah, you're right, son. I said you guys do experience different versions of us and that must be really hard for you. I validate and I acknowledge that, and then all of a sudden it doesn't become a thing for him anymore. But coming back to the drawing, so in that scenario what could be true is that the child's interpretation of the events was nothing really bad happened because the parents didn't have the energy of. This is really, really bad. They kept it secure, they kept it tight, but on the flip side of it, I'd love to know how old that child is now and whether there's been any repercussions.

Fabien:

Because what can occur, and what does occur in situations where there is trauma is that we bypass, and bypassing is we create a fantasy of what we think it should look like what it could be. We create a narrative, like as an example in so many of the clients that I've worked with, that say oh look, my parents were that bad. My parents were bad. Well, I don't remember much of my childhood, it was pretty good. And then when we start to unpack, there's some significant events that have taken place that they've chosen to either forget, bypass because they couldn't process it. So that could be potentially what's occurring there. It's either the parents were very emotionally available, understood the assignment, created a secure line where that child felt nurtured. But the fact that there's a drawing of a mattress for me is a slight indication of potential bypass in there.

Robby:

Yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense as well, because even if, like you, could get all of that right and still having a traumatic experience like that, which, like the parents, could have done everything right and the kids still could have reacted differently Do you know what I mean? But it sounds like, yeah, I would lean more towards that in the sense of they have not processed it in the correct way. Yeah, they have bypassed it. Yeah, and one day they may unpack it, or they may not. They may live with whatever beliefs that have come from that for the rest of their lives. Yeah, and most people do that right.

Fabien:

Yeah, the question is which one is the healthier one. At the time it's like well, the mattress drawing is less chaotic, so if there's some bypassing, in there. Yeah, right now yeah. But if the child has witnessed everything and heard it and was at school and everyone's still talking about it and the kid says, oh, but people jumped out and it's like, oh shit, what is this? Like? My interpretation wasn't actually that bad, you know, we just don't know, but eventually we find out.

Robby:

That's a thing. Yeah, eventually, most of the time, yeah, most of the time it ends up, uh, coming back to haunt you in one way or another. Yeah, it's been an interesting conversation, man, it's been great, I um.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I have more questions okay, this is this is gonna to be the last one.

Fabien:

Sorry, cool man. So I think we're going to get back. Get wrapped up there, I think yeah.

Robby:

I was just conscious of time. Are you parked in the next spot?

Fabien:

We'll see.

Speaker 3:

So this one isn't like too much related, it's just that. What's your point of view on this topic? So we've touched genetics, right, but the human body is mostly made of out of bacteria. That is the interesting part, because the studies show that we're only 10% human and 90% bacteria. And bacteria it changes the whole person and everything around us, the environment, everything we eat, drink. It changes our microbiome, yeah, and does. Do you think? Do you know about this kind of stuff? And how does it affect your psychological way? Because we do know about it. Changes your microbiome, whatever is happening, but does it change it? Sure, your thought process?

Fabien:

yeah, okay, great questions. Well, I was going to throw it back to you guys actually I reckon it does.

Robby:

I reckon, when you like, you want to wake up, right yeah, when you eat shit for a chair, when you eat that, it's like it's quick fix yeah you know it's mouth pleasure, yeah, as uh joe rogan likes to call it.

Robby:

Yeah, um, but over the long term you don't feel better for doing eating like that for 20 years. You definitely don't feel better. You don't think clearly, you don't? You know like I'm. My health, knock on wood. I've been pretty blessed to never have anything really go wrong. But, and when I went through the 75 hard and I did the carnival diet strict, I felt the same. And you see all these other people doing it and they're like, oh my God, I'm thinking clearly and it's like cool, you must have been eating like shit before. I was okay, do you know what I mean? I was putting on a little bit of weight, but I wasn't. I still had some level of health consciousness.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Robby:

You know what I mean and I truly believe that the things you eat and how you impact your gut impacts how you feel, how you think how you do everything Without a doubt, man. Yeah, and people. I think Tom Bilyeu touches on that.

Speaker 3:

He talks about how everything they say.

Robby:

All disease starts in the gut.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah, well, it's the second brain.

Robby:

Yeah, they say all disease starts in the gut.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's the second brain. Yeah, it is. And so and here's the not the funny thing, because it's not funny, but the connection between unresolved trauma and autoimmune disease is astronomical.

Robby:

It's almost like there's a direct line between them.

Fabien:

There's a 100% direct line, because when we experience trauma, the nervous system is activated. When the nervous system is in a stress response, guess what system is not working? Have a guess the immune system. Yeah, the immune system's not fucking working. So when your nervous system and your security guard comes out, your actual defense mechanism drops off, drops off completely. So then, when people start the journey of working through their traumas and whatnot, guess what ends up happening? All the auto they getimmunity.

Robby:

They get really sick? No, when they don't treat it.

Fabien:

You ask what's the wake-up calls? You know, do people do? They know Usually what ends up happening is they start to experience something in their life like something feels a little bit off, it shows up, yeah, it shows up in some way. Something feels a little bit off self, Then we ignore it.

Robby:

Yeah, Then Ignore it. My energy is low. I'm not doing this Correct. I feel you know I can't be fucked 100%, Whatever it is.

Fabien:

I call it the four stages. First stage is hmm, something feels a little bit off. Eh, it's normal, everyone's going through it. Second stage is your circle Influence, people around you, the environment starts to send you messages. Somebody starts commenting on hey, man, man, you okay. Hey, I noticed, you know. You start getting feedback from the environment externally. Externally, we ignore it. Yeah, I'm fine, it's all good, there's a bit of stress, I'll sleep well.

Fabien:

Third one is physiological symptoms. Stuff starts to happen blood pressure's up, yeah, cholesterol, back pain, that shoulder, that neck thing just doesn't go Headaches. So then the universe is saying, hey, sending this signal, you've got some stuff going down. And then, when we don't pay attention to that one, murphy's Law is the fourth what can go wrong will go wrong. That's where the event will take place Separation, major health scare, whatever, you know, financial carnage. An eruption takes place, proportionate to the level of which it needs to wake us up at. Now some see it as wow, this is the wake-up call, I need to take care. Some just see it as okay, well, this is just. You know, life's happening to me, not for me, kind of thing.

Robby:

And so… Victim yeah.

Fabien:

Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, this is just you know. Life's happening to me, not for me kind of thing, and so victim yeah, yeah, yeah.

Robby:

It's like, oh fucking, it is happening and that's happening.

Fabien:

This is happening and then they have another wake-up call and then they have another wake-up call and that's breaking down, that's breaking down. And then they're usually in a statement of why does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to me? This is not fair, life's not fair. Or if it's religious perspective, why is God choosing this on me as an example? So the connection to the gut, in particular with women with unresolved trauma autoimmune disease is through the roof. Crohn's disease, just rampage. So yes to that. And then to the food perspective. The question goes back to everyone listening. Now. It's like how do you feel after you drink certain things, after you eat certain things, popcorn, this, whatever it is, but you know what?

Robby:

It becomes a normal feeling when you don't for so long and you're like no, I feel fine, yeah, but then like go eat clean for a year or go do something, like you know now, since I did the carnival diet, anytime I eat something that's like off yeah I feel it straight away. It's because, like it's almost like my guts had a reset. Yeah, right, and I've reset, I've set the bar like reset the bar, yeah, and it's like, okay, cool, we need to feel like this all the time.

Fabien:

Yeah, and I feel like when you do it regularly, the bar yeah, man, comes down to here well, I don't know if you guys heard, but just recently they there's some video circulating around the scientists, the tobacco, so the guys that influenced the tobacco market and created the products of tobacco cigarettes After that-. About food yeah, they've gone into the food sector.

Fabien:

And so all the processed food is created has been engineered specifically to want us to have more, to make us feel as though that we're full, to give us a perception of having nutrients and whatnot, but then to elicit and change the chemicals that are going on inside of our gut bacteria, the microbiome, all of that kind of stuff to influence, to keep us in a dull state. I believe that.

Fabien:

The goal? I believe the goal is that keep us kind of numb, keep us dumb and we kind of conform and we just keep going about and feeding the system. Why? Why man this?

Robby:

could go into a whole other topic now.

Fabien:

If you've got an empowered race who know how to take care of themselves, who are in alignment, you've got a world that is moving in a very different direction.

Robby:

Isn't that what we want?

Fabien:

It's what we want as human beings. Well, yeah, but I mean For the species. Yeah, I mean ideally, yeah, but I mean… For the species? Yeah, I mean ideally, yeah, but if you look at the way the society is structured, there is a certain group of people that monopolise the entire world, and from the schooling system into the health system, into the wealth system it's all designed in a particular way where we plug into this thing, not really tap into our potential, and so you know, that's kind of my view on on that, everything is connected you know, society is its own living organism.

Speaker 3:

Like every single company, it is an organism.

Robby:

Yeah yeah, well, that's uh that in itself is a whole topic.

Fabien:

I was gonna say we're nearly I've got the mushrooms in my bag. We're gonna start talking about aliens um I've, I've appreciated this conversation, man.

Robby:

It's been an awesome conversation, and I feel like we've barely touched the surface of that whole world. You know what I mean, yeah, and I feel like a lot of people listening would have gotten a lot out of it. You know, and if you're seeing the signs, if you know that something's not right, this is your sign right now that you're listening to this to go and do something about it. You know what I mean To go and try and work out what it is or make that change or at least acknowledge it. You know, the first, um, the first step in any sort of change is awareness. You need to know it's there to be able to make some sort, of, some sort of change about it. Um, if people want to connect with you, man, if people want to reach out to you, where can they, where can they find you?

Fabien:

cool man. Um, well, firstly, thanks for having me here. Um, so, yeah, socials fabian f-a-b-i-e-n, pato p-a-t-a-u-d, just connect me with me on, uh, on socials. I'm pretty active on there. And um, yeah, if you've got a you know, a deeper question, then just email fab Fabian F-A-B-I-E-N at resetmethodcomau and just ping me an email. But, like to what you said, I think it's if you're in a business and you've got challenges as I said earlier, personal problems usually manifest in business issues and if you've got relationship dynamics right now, you know relationships reflect back to us where we're not free, and so you know, if you're being triggered and there's some stuff going down the ability to look into the mirror and go, ooh, what is it that's within me, that is unresolved, that needs attention that's the purpose of a relationship. Actually, relationships help us get closer to ourselves, and when we do that, that's when purpose of a relationship. Actually, relationships help us get closer to ourselves, and when we do that, that's when we can get closer to each other.

Robby:

So it's like um. The book I'm reading now, uh, the courage to be disliked talks about it. All problems are interpersonal relationships. You know every single problem in life.

Fabien:

It all starts so true man, so it's a great book.

Robby:

Great book. Who's the author?

Speaker 3:

japanese guy.

Robby:

Yeah, it's a japanese guy, it's actually a japanese book written in japanese translated to english. Awesome, uh, I can't remember who the author is, but it's called the courage to be disliked. Yeah, I'll put that on the list. Um, yeah, great book it's.

Speaker 3:

It's pretty much two people conversating okay in the book, yeah, it's like a story. It's like a philosopher and a kid talking the whole book.

Fabien:

Yeah, cool.

Robby:

And the kid's asking questions and the philosopher's explaining Shit.

Fabien:

I like that style.

Robby:

Yeah, it's cool because then it's just, it's an easy read.

Fabien:

Yeah yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.

Robby:

It's kind of like you're reading a conversation, yeah.

Fabien:

Okay yeah, nice yeah.

Robby:

Awesome man. Awesome man. We appreciate you coming on.

Fabien:

Thank you brother.

Robby:

Guys, if you haven't already, please make sure you subscribe and like this episode, share it with someone who you think may get something from it, and I think we'll have to eventually, at some point, get you back on it and dive into this whole the world topic. Yeah, man, because that's a whole topic that we could dive into. Definitely, damn world topic. That's a whole topic that we could dive into, definitely Buckle up.

Fabien:

Thank you, brother. I appreciate you having me man.

Robby:

I appreciate you coming on.

Fabien:

Hopefully we've helped somebody.

Robby:

I reckon we have Alright awesome Thanks, guys.

People on this episode

Contributor

George Passas

Host
Contributor

Robby Choucair

Host